Discovering the nothingness
by wicked-ohyeah
Summary: Tell her, it kept saying, just tell her, if not to gain her heart but to at least maintain your sanity. Told in Ryan POV.


__**Disclaimer: SURPRISE! IT AIN'T MINE!  
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**Lyrics Discovering the waterfront of Silverstein. i know the storyline doesnt really match the song, i just used the lyrics that i could use plus its one of my favorite song.**

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_I will promise myself I won't care  
distracting myself from your stare  
and I've seen this mistake once before_

Lanie was talking animatedly with Esposito outside of the bar, I could see them getting more passionate as the discussion progressed. They were standing right in front of the big window that took the entire wall, they didn't seem to care that they were being watch, more by me than anybody else really.

I gently kept on stirring the drink that I was nursing, I tore my gaze from the couple that have gain my complete attention. I turned back to the bar where I was sitting on one of its stool, sending daggers to the stack of bottle neatly align next to each other as if they were the reason of my predicament.

I could feel my chest filling up with flames of anger that was boiling up inside of me due to the uncalculated amount of frustration that I feeling at this very moment.

I couldn't possibly fight what I was feeling presently, not anymore. It was a bit of jealousy and envy. There was no one to blame really not even myself. I slowly bring my gaze back to the pair who has seemed to stop talking as they gaze intensely at each other. A quizzical expression appeared on Lanie's face. Everything went in slow motion as I watch powerless as Esposito slowly cradled her face in his hands and put his lips upon hers.

She didn't seem to be mad of his action, he pulled away far enough to look at her as a soft smile appeared on her face.

I could see that her heart was his, since the beginning really. The flirting banters were always between the two of them although she sometimes flirted with me but it was never the same. I never wanted to take a chance and I would be the one to pay.

She always had a special place in my heart, I thought that would be enough. They now proceed to leave, probably to her apartment to do things that I refuse to think about completely forgetting of my presence.

I finish my drink and an idea strikes me, maybe I could call Jenny. She could be the perfect distraction, I never thought to be that kind of guy. The kind that would use an ex or any girl for that matter for his own benefit. But at this moment I couldn't bring myself to give a shit. I needed to feel something different than the desperation that I presently in. I stood up from the stool, fish for some cash for my drink and as I walk out the door at search for my phone. I might regret it tomorrow but I was so far gone I couldn't bring myself to feel guilt.

_Pretend it's not forever,  
I'll pull myself together  
I'll say that I'll forget her,  
I'll breathe.  
And look at it as learning,  
We don't belong together,  
I know I'll feel better,  
One day when I can make it through_

I spent the entire day in my apartment with my phone turned off, I could feel the guilt trying to creep in but only the emptiness was taking control.

I thought that being with Jenny would help me forget, turn off my mind, it didn't. It only made me regret more what I didn't and would never have.

After last night, after the hopeful glint in her gaze, I knew that I needed to get my shit together. I couldn't just lead her on. This couldn't be the beginning of a downward spiral, but it's been closing time for me for the longest time. There was no way that I was going after my best friend's girl and I also was in need of moving on.

There was nothing that could be done, if I could only let it all go somehow. I stood up from my position on the couch and look out the window, it was almost dark outside and it did nothing to lighten my mood.

There was only one thought that was going through my mind, tell her, it kept on repeating. I couldn't possibly, what good could that be? Where in the hell could that lead? Nowhere good that's for sure. Tell her, it kept saying, just tell her, if not to gain her heart but to at least maintain your sanity. I have all these reasons to not tell her, but those who seem more important were the few reasons that I had to actually tell her.

With a blinded resolution I decided that I would confess what I've kept all these years inside. I've decided to change and to head down to her apartment.

_I won't forget you (I won't forget you)  
But I'm tired of lying  
tired of fighting you  
and it's not gonna change_

It was completely dark when I've finally arrived to her apartment, I was praying that Javi wasn't there, although I should really expect the opposite. I took a big breath as I stare at her door. A wooden plank that separates me from the one that has been storming in my mind. I finally gather not much of the courage that I've somehow successfully collected and knock on her door.

It only took a couple of seconds for her to open the door, she had a big smile on her face.

"Javi, back alr…." The smile on her face barely dropped as she realized that it wasn't Esposito, but it crept back up when she saw that it was if fact me. "Kevin, hey! How are you!?"

"I'm alright

" My answer was short, I couldn't seem to form words now that I was actually in front of her.

"Javi just went out to get something if you were looking for him, it shouldn't take too long if you want to come in and wait for him" She offers me not doubting for a minute the reason of my presence.

"Uh… actually I came to see you, it will only take a minute" I rapidly tell her, I had to maintain a minimum of distance or I don't know what I could do. To be in her personal space like that, to be too close…

"Oh alright, what's up" She gave back with a mild look of concern on her face.

I place both of my hands on each side of the door frame, hanging my head low. Mentally preparing myself for what I was about to do. I was starting to doubt myself, what the hell was I doing! She was taking, but I still felt the need to tell her anyway.

"Hey, are you okay?" She asked, seeing how much time it was taking me to form words.

I blew a breath, push myself away from her to lean on the opposite apartment door. I raised my eyes to look at her, she was breathtakingly beautiful.

"You're gorgeous you know that?" I rhetorically asked her.

"Wha…" She started but I cut her off as I continued

"I mean the kind of beautiful that you could possibly see in a lifetime, whether you're dressed up or not. You bring joy to my heart every time you're around me even if you're just mocking Javi. You are a wonderful woman who deserves the best and I realize that I'm not it" Realization appeared on her face as she took a shaky breath. "You deserve someone who will treat you right that will love you as somebody like you should be loved. You deserve somebody like Javier and he should never take you for granted for nothing in the world. And I promise you that I will be there to kick his ass if even the thought of finding better would cross his mind. I… I love you Lanie Parish and I will be fine just being your friend, I just want you to be happy. And I know what this looks like but I just needed to move on." I finally finished.

She was completely stunned she didn't seem to know what to say or do. I slowly made my way to her, gently invading her personal space. I raise my hand to her cheek and tentatively pressing my lips to hers for only a second. Pushing myself away from her I could only openly drink her in for the very last time.

"This will be the last time you'll hear about this, that I promise you" I started to turn away from her.

"kevin… I…" She started.

"You don't really have to say anything, it's okay… really. Be good to him, be happy. I should go." I said before finally walking away leaving her at the threshold of her door. It's done now, I shall be done too.

_I've hung up my guns  
I won't kill again  
I've sailed off to sea (sailed off to sea)  
I'm not coming back_

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**Again thanks for reading! i do enjoy a lot the reviews especially the nice ones! So don't be shy to encourage my growing ego!  
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